Photograph
by Tojiki
Summary: What if you're alone in a nightmare and noone is there to comfort you ? What if you can't ask for forgiveness and rebuild a very precious band ?


PHOTOGRAPH

It's been years now , or just days, minutes, seconds, I can't remember.

Every morning seems to be the same since there's no body next to mine I have to comfort because of a nightmare.

Every lunchtime seems to be anorectous since there's no one I can argue with about how healthy and unappetizing the food looks.

Every afternoon seems senseless and boring since there's no one I can play stupid video games with and probably fight.

Every time I go to bed to leave this fucking day I feel empty and anxious cause there's only an empty bed and no one I can talk to until I faint because of my as always simply ignored weariness.

Look at me, I'm crying again. I never really cried before I never showed my sorrow even to you because I had to be the strong one.

I've changed a lot. My face got a lot more angular, I've expanded and Mom says I look like a man now and that she's very proud of me even if I resemble Dad a bit.

I never really wanted to grow up and leave my past behind.

As I were thirteen I always tried to look and behave like a handsome male who is old enough to drink, go on partys and date girls (especially Maddie) but things have changed a lot and when I look in the mirror now I'm not sure if the one I see is the one I truly wanted to become.

My lips taste salty as I realize some tears falling down on the thing I'm holding thight in my hands to trace the lines of our faces. Pictures are forever, Mom says when she has one of her suggestions to comfort me.

Sure they are.

I wish I could go back to exactly that time, that moment and change everything !

I would've been there for him .. For you.

This one is my favourit picture. I just wanted to take a picture of myself as you realized that fact and jumped behind me to make a face and ruin my self-potrait. Oh I was so upset with you because it was the very last one I had on my camera, but after I saw the printed one I was happy to see how similar we were.

I really would change a lot of things if I had the chance to go back and relive those days.

The last things I did to you were only cruel .. I concealed Blankie because I was to embarrassed of my brother still using that thing at the age of fourteen ,calling you a nerd in front of all of your friends because I was upset you got the best and I , as always, the worst mark in PE! But the most evil thing I did was saying I would hate you and didn't wanted you as my brother that day ..

And now .. I hate myself more than anything for hurting you. I never wanted to be the reason for your tears, Bro I just want to be the strong one who is allowed to comfort you, to help you getting over your nightmares and protect you from all the bullys at school.

Carefully, I press Blankie to my cheeks to still smell your exhalation even if it's only illusion and one of the things I will never ever get out of my brain.

To be honest I never really believed in the twin-thing. There was no reason for me for believing Cody and me had a very special, unique and strong band although I loved my twin more than life itself, maybe without exactly knowing it.

Like I said before, things had changed and I had to recognize that there wasn't any band anymore .. I'd destroyed it by saying you weren't worth anything and finally someone cut our band by shooting in front of the Tipton.

I didn't realize that without our band I under no circumstanced would feel complete again.

To stop thinking I gaze at the picture again. How would you look now ? Like me ? Very different ? How would our relationship be if .. ? What things would you like ?

I glanced at Blankie. Smiling. Wouldn't you still be able to sleep without it ? Would you still need me to comfort you ?

Would you .. Forgive me ?

There was another picture lying on my pillow I put in my hands still smiling.

It showed all of us, everyone and everything that made our lifes what they were like.

Arwin glanced at Mom with his wide eyes, Mom grinned one of her honest smiles, Esteban showed a 'peace' sign and mr Mosbey tried hard not so smile and stay serious while Maddie and London hugged each other trying to beat each other with the most graceful and cute smile and in the Foreground Cody & Me with each others arm on the shoulders because Mom said it would look cute or something.

I did forget why we took that photo but I can't sleep without looking at it and saying good night to everyone.

"_Zacky ? Can .. Can I sleep in your bed ? I had a nightmare that someone amoked in front of the Tipton and I got hit .. " _

Who is there to comfort you now ? Who is there to tell you that everything was a dream ? Who makes sure everything will be alright if you just wake up ?

After Dad and Mom broke up I promised to take care of you where ever you are so ..

Suddenly I understand ..

I should tell you that everything is going to be alright, kiss your forehead, mess your hair and tell stupid storys with more than a hundred mistakes until your breath is normalized again.

But the most important thing is to ask for forgiveness so that I can rebuild our band.

I always tought about that .. The last years, months, days, seconds .. I don't really count senseless days but there is only one decision to show you that someone is there for you.

Because of sleeping problems (the doctors said its because of the 'trauma') I have a lot of pills that taste like cherrys, very ironic in the fact that this was your favourite 'dish' (healthy food - who could have tought that .. ).

I put the light out and take about ten from them into my dry mouth - yummy.

Suddenly there came a thought to my mind ; I should be prepared for comforting you from that never ending nightmare. As a resolution I pull Blankie close to me and looked at my two favourite pictures one last time before my eyes were just to over weighted.

"Sleep well, Bro."

. . .


End file.
